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I’m tired once again

Past this month, I felt so tired. I experienced hatred, anger, laziness, stressfulness, confusion, enviousness.

I feel like a real human now.

As usual I always feel that nobody actually love me for real…

They used me

What a bad feeling. Arrgh. I just can’t get rid of it. Why is it so easy to tell people what they should do rather then telling ourselves?

Once again, I know I’m merely a human.

I’m not wise.

I’m seeking for truth.

Questioning humanity, questioning my life over and over again, questioning those feelings…

Will someone love me sincerely? Love me from their heart… how can I know? What if they are just using me… what if, what if… oh my God… I really want to use ‘while’ statement, not ‘if’ statement… > <. Like:

            While (I’m still living in this world)

            {

                        Live without prejudice;

                        Live happily;

                        Be grateful to anything given to you;

                        Keep smiling when they hurt you;

            }

But sometimes my feelings are quite like this:

While (my life has not reached the end)

            If (they hurt me)

            {

                        If (you are not feeling guilty)

                        {

Well, you can hate them

(but I tell you, it is not good)

Decrement your lifespan;          

                        }

                        Else if (you are feeling guilty)

                        {

You can also hate them, what can you do anyway. You have been hurt so much since you were 4 years old and know what is hurt feeling. It’s okay for you to hate others. They hate you since you were child. That’s why I hate racialism.

Decrement your lifespan also;

                        }

                        Else if (I have known what is the true meaning of hurt)

                        {

                                    I don’t want to hate them. It’s wasting my time

                                    I don’t want them to have hurt feeling

                                    Decrement my lifespan (because I’m being stressful)

Increment my lifespan twice ^^; (because I have reached enlightenment. Wuoh. In my dream)

                        }         

            }

            Return 0;

}

In the end, everything will return 0

Am I bad?

Am I a true sinner for having those feeling, that I must be vanished from this world…

Will people feel better without my existence?

Or they won’t even care?

I’m tired once again. People would just get bored when I’m talking about my feeling… no one actually really like to hear others’ problem. But life obliged us to listen each other

I’m a stressful person. But it does help me go through my life though ^^, that I’m able to smile while I’m typing those painful words. I feel like without those feeling, I wouldn’t be grateful when I experienced my love feeling… I know everyone love me so much. Or maybe I’m just hoping.

I remember someone asked me how I can be so wise yet still so naïve. I think about that… and this is my answer. ‘Because I ask a lot’. Being so naïve is not that bad. People are being sympathized when you ask. People love you because they know you wouldn’t lie to them. You are being honest all the time. The bad thing is you are being cheated easily. But in return, you are being so forgiving, because you accept anything, you believe in anything, whether it is a lie or a truth.

And also, as I am become more stressful over the time, I tend to reconsider my life over and over… So I know which one is a lie, which one is a truth. But believe me, I’m a merely a stupid human. It’s only a stupid human who wants to learn more and more. There are actually no such genius people in the world. There are just stupid humans looking at another higher level stupid humans and call them genius. Hyahahaha. .

Oh well, I won’t die because of these feelings. But it’s true that sometimes suicide thought came across my mind. Err… it doesn’t affect me, really. I am not going to do suicide or anything. I’m not that coward. And I hate the flame of hell, geez…

Thank you for all life supports that have been given to me. I’m grateful that I met you all, I won’t regret my days with you all, having this hurt feeling, hatred, anger, etc. whatever… It is done now…

Bye. I have to face my hurtful life with smile. Yeaaah!!! It’s not so bad actually ^^

I wouldn’t lose to my life burden! Sorry for being so stubborn! XP

~ Cheerful feeling ~